I love San Francisco. It’s really true, anybody can run for mayor. Even the “residentially challenged.”
From San Francisco’s 2007 Voter Information Pamphlet for this Tuesday’s election:
My occupation is: Vegan Taxicab Driver.
My qualifications are:
Born - Moscow, Russia; English - third but only language. Grasshopper: Vegan, Bay swimmer, owner Grasshopper Taxicab. Lifelong musician; guitarist, singer/songwriter. Compassionate, tolerant, supportive, loving. 13 years here residentially challenged.
To Impeach Is Patriotic. Promote swift removal: Bush, Cheney, Gonzales; Repeal illegal war criminal “unilateral executive” policies.
Locally, most important challenge - providing affordable housing. If you work here, you gotta be able to live here, so you can come back to work the next day fresh. Strengthen eviction protection. Legalize alternative housing situations, like commercially-zoned buildings, where many allready live.
Legalize everything. Legalize prostitution and sex work; make it SAFE. Make everyone happy. No problems, only solutions. Legalize cannabis; greens for peaceful purposes. Fund schools, hospitals, parks, roads.
Separate paths for bicycles. Convert Muni into world-class public transit system. Downtown assessment district funding free Muni for residents.
Total amnesty for all non-citizens; people ain’t illegal. Let’s celebrate our hardworking labor force while treasuring, protecting cultural diversity, encouraging hope, mercy.
Restore festival, carnival atmosphere; musicians, Artists, fun, love. Remember to smile, laugh, celebrate our wonderful existence, our fabulous planet; create / make Grassland model - beacon of mutual understanding, hope.
Gratefully,
Grasshopper Alec Kaplan
Our other options for mayor:
- a nudist who’s sole platform is to make Golden Gate Park clothing optional, will appoint an unnamed “city manager” for all other functions. Love her number 2 thought for the day, “Nude is not lewd.”
- a “63 year old straight white man” who believes in “God, judgment and the SF 49′ers”
- a very nice chinese grandmother
- a sex club owner
- a pissed off coffee farmer that thinks San Francisco’s budget is “out of control!”
- a juvenile probation manager and business owner
- “Chicken John” the “showman” who’s slogan is “C’mon, vote for me. It’ll be fun.” But he’s only running for second place.
- Dr. Ahimsa Porter Sumchai who has a lot of experience with organizations with really long and uninformative names, e.g. Citizens Commitee Mayor’s Office of Community Development. She was John Burton’s Legislative Women of the year in 1990 too, whatever that is.
- A journalist that uses nice phrases like “participatory democracy” and “define, discuss and deliver”
Gavin Newsom’s entry was actually by far the best. I think most of the other candidates didn’t take themselves that seriously. I think Gavin has turned out pretty well though. He gained a lot of support when he stood up for gay marriage, and he’s done a lot of other things to improve the city. I’d probably vote for him even if he wasn’t the only realistic candidate.